Week 4 - challenge

Now that your fingers have been getting a good sort of workout for a few weeks, thought it might be time to give them a new challenge.
Hope your time with the claw is going well, as always, do feel free to ask any questions either anonymously comment or private message me and I am more than happy to clarify.
In an effort to grow your intimacy and connection with your partner, as well as use some of the new finger strength you should have from the claw, I thought this week's challenge could be a massage. Not your usual massage, though.
Apart from perhaps pregnancy when you're encouraged to massage your perineum I'm not sure that massage 'down there' is particularly common practice. A shame for a number of reasons - firstly because of the obvious pleasure you are both missing out on, secondly, because those muscles in your groin and genital area are hugely utilised and deserve a bit a of rub from time to time. It will also mean that the muscles will get supple over time, so when you do fall pregnant you already have a good stretchy foundation.
Of course 'Down There' incorporates your vagina and your butt, I'm going to focus on the vagina here to begin with.
So, some starter tips...
Women lie on your back. Partner: use both hands to stretch the legs open to a V, and start easing the inner thigh muscles, working your way up to the groin muscles. Go outward-in (from knee to groin) in your strokes and adjust your pressure according to the feedback you're getting.
Move to the pelvic bones, each hand on either side of the labia (but not touching the labia, just the space between labia and pelvic bone / thigh), add pressure there, release tension, do all this slowly. Move your hands up and continue to use a Swedish massage type motion to get your hands massaging either side of the clitoris. Then using your fingers try to discover the length of the clitoris beneath the skin - the little pink end bit is just that - the end - imagine it like a miniature penis with the head sticking out and its long bit trailing behind it, beneath the skin. Try not to touch the head, but only the muscles beneath the skin, the 'root' of it. Move your hands back down to either side of the labia, keep your hands in place and use your thumbs to start massaging gently the perineum (or skin/muscle between vagina and anus). Be gentle but start to move towards the lower side of the vaginal opening. Now start to massage the labia - use pressure and technique according to feedback - try slight squeezes, tickles, long pulls/stretches. Take your time, work as a duo (onus is on the woman to be moaning and saying 'yes that feels good', or 'i liked the other thing' better etc). The vagina will most likely be getting appropriately lubricated by now, if not, keep going slowly, keep relaxing the muscles, find the stimulation points. If you need help with lubrication, then feel free to add some bottled stuff at this point - Durex Play is good as it sort of doubles as a massage oil as well. Now start to massage from the inside (that's all sex really is!) with a finger. Maybe your index. Remember - pulse not prod - no in-out-motion-ramming, keep your finger in place, then move it slightly like a worm, or pulse intermittently. What you are massaging is the top (belly side) vaginal wall - this is, as discussed previously) where all the good bits are. Nerves, g-spot, bladder/urethra.. I recently read there is also an a-spot (that's the deep down bit near your urethra). Whatever you call them, it doesn't matter, you'll find them anyhow. Just massage with one or two fingers that top belly-side vaginal wall, working your way deeper in.
Counteract this internal pressure with the other hand pressing on the belly/bladder area. (Women if you feel the urge to pee do not stop it, go with it, it is far more likely a sign that you are about to orgasm and/or ejaculate rather than about to pee.)
Feel free to ad lib at any point, this is just a starting point. See where it takes you. Might just be a massage that ends with a cuddle, might be penetrative sex, that's entirely up to you.

And it obviously works both ways. Women can massage men in a surprisingly similar way. Men are often far less flexible than women, so an inner groin, thigh muscle massage is an equally enjoyable way to begin. You can apply pressure to either side of the pelvic bones, the bladder, the areas around the penis, without actually touching the penis. Their skin/muscle bit between the balls and anus. Men have extra sensitive bits round there, that can be very pleasurable to be pressed... go right up to the almost-entrance of the balls-side of the anus.
Finally, come back up pressing the sides around the testicles to reach the base of the penis, start from the shaft and massage - according to feedback and your prior knowledge of the penis's sensitivity! Some men find it almost unbearable for anything other than light pressure, some enjoy a very hard squeezing - discover for yourself if you didn't know before. Try with light stroking, one palm only, from shaft to tip. (Add lube at this point so as not cause any unncessary chafing) then one hand squeezing gently from shaft to tip, then thumbs pressing points all the way around from bottom to top. Often the bit where circumcised penis' foreskin used to join is a pleasurable spot to touch for a man, and touching the skin join bit it often feels good for uncircumcised also.
Ad lib, be spontaneous, curious, go with the flow. The idea behind this is to discover, relax and stimulate in turns.

The exoticism of sex

I was reminded recently about how strongly I believe that sex is not exotic.
This sounds strange but to me it makes a lot of sense.
When you think about the resources (and there are many) that are available to you to help recharge and refocus your sexual self, improve your sex life with your partner etc there is often an underlying 'exotic' element about the 'teachings'. That to understand sexuality as something intrinsically human, intrinsically beautiful and part of living a 'lived' life means you must look to the East, to a guru or to India for lessons on Tantra, for example.
To me all this stuff is unnecessary 'exoticism' of a very simple and universal experience. The words themselves: 'tantra' or 'Sacred Sex' (capital letters) in their English definitions bear little connection to their original meanings. I've no doubt the terms were the common parlance of the day to describe the simple, universal experience that we could describe with a few simple words.
I'm not saying I disagree with the overall philosophy of tantra et al in fact on one level I see how beneficial it is to have an established, evangelical, opposing ideology to the 'sex is dirty' camp. At the very least to give people who've been brought up in the 'sex is dirty/naughty/bad' camp the opportunity to question their inherited beliefs on that score. However, what I am saying is that just as you don't need to be in a church to know god, you also don't need to know the meaning of tantra (or any other Sanskrit/Italian/exotic language word) to understand your sexual self.
For me, good sex, dare i say 'enlightened' sex requires only curiosity, time, dedication and trust. The trust is not just about trusting your partner, also about trusting yourself, trusting the physical parts of you (all of them) to be good, noble, beautiful, miraculous, functioning. (They all know what to do and will do it if you let them.)
The dedication is about making a commitment to yourself that you will know all the parts that make you and to your partner that you will learn how to connect with them at this basic, instinctual, magical level.
Time is turning off the TV a little earlier or making a date night.. all the stuff that sounded ridiculous and pathetic when you were 19 and couldn't ever imagine a time when sex would not be fascinating. It is also about taking time, being patient, not trying to win awards or get to the end first.
And curiosity, I've mentioned this a few times, this is about learning for learning's sake, for the sake of enlightenment, for reaching a higher plane of consciousness. A 'what happens if I do this?' attitude rather than a 'i must do it this way because this way always works' attitude.
Everything you need for fulfilling, enlightening sexual understanding is in you, you have it all already. You don't even really need to be reading this blog. If you are still reading, though, I'll say that what I aim to do here, is write about sex in as practical, non-exotic, non-idealised way possible. So you can hopefully come to see how accessible it is, how much 'in you' it already is, how you don't need to go to India to learn about it and how much you can discover with curiosity, dedication, time and trust!

Week 3 - challenge

This challenge assumes you've read and tried out the claw and had a little bit of a go with getting to know your vagina. But it's not essential to have done so, it will simply enhance the experience if you have.
I was surprised to hear recently that some couples have never masturbated in front of each other. Huh? How does that even happen! Rectify that situation immediately!
Spend a night where you don't plan to have sex. Yes, I know this blog is supposed to be about sex and so far I keep on saying don't focus on penetrative sex, but there is a reason for it - method to my madness. The truth is, if you do it this way, you'll more than likely end up having great penetrative sex anyway, but if you focus on just the sex part, you'll either not have it, or ho-hum have it.
So, again, dispense with the need to have naked penetrative sex! For one night anyway. Lie or stand or do it any which way you feel comfortable, but masturbate with your partner. You can try doing it yourself, while he watches, vice versa, or both masturbate simultaneously. Do it clothes/undies on if that works for you, do it off, do both... claw yourself! Make yourself feel as good as you can, give your partner the reassurance that they can be free to do the same for themselves. Retreat into your own lost pleasurable head space.. in some cases it does require a mental switch of deciding not to hold back for fear of looking silly. This is your partner, you love each other. You will not look silly. Most people (especially men) I talk to say they get aroused when they see someone genuinely feeling good and being pleasured and looking like they're enjoying themselves.
So what does this achieve?
1. Builds trust/comfortability... gets both of you feeling free to just let go and have fun, the way you like it.
2. Education... your partner gets to see how you touch yourself, you see what they like, you can try it out on each other later
3. Visual Stimulus (i.e. Looks HOT)... men always get the bad press about needing visual stimulus, often porn, to get aroused. But both genders are turned on by looking at hot things. Embrace the voyeur and the performer in yourself.. enjoy and revel in the watching and the being watched. It will be a huge turn on.
Try it and see what it leads to..

How well do you know your vagina?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to get to know it. In the same vein that you know which kind of body shape you are, where you are likely to get wrinkles or pimples, what makes you sneeze, what size jeans you are. Your vagina is such a critical part of you, and learning something about it (unlike learning your waist size) will result in lots of pleasure for you. Surely that should be incentive enough to get acquainted?
Hopefully you've had a little read about 'the claw' already. The claw works so well because it is hitting those good spots in the vagina that are common to us all. Clitoris /bladder muscle/g-spot/entrance. Having a little play with the technique yourself (rather than having a partner do it) and not sticking necessarily to my 'plan' or 'rules' also helps you get to know the ..space inside. So set aside a little time, in the shower perhaps, or even on the loo if you can't time on your own in bed... I'd suggest doing it alone first off, so you feel completely comfortable.. then, do it with your partner (see this week's challenge). Get yourself stimulated, and once you've got your two fingers in, start to work out where everything is in there. Explore with your fingers - where are your two pelvic bone cavities (as you go in with the claw, they're on either side of your straight, normal vaginal passage), what happens when you press in those spaces (they don't often get touched unless fingers go specifically looking for them.) What happens when you turn the claw around (so instead of touching against your stomach-side wall, you are touching your ass-side wall) do you feel stimulation there? Have a good feel around, anywhere you can get your fingers into. Don't forget right at the opening, the early-middle passage.. take it slowly feel it all. Inevitably, you will find bits that feel good when they are touched and bits that are just so-so.
Do you have lumps or bumps or even bits of hymen scar tissue anywhere, do they feel good when pressed or tickled?
What about your clitoris? Is it super sensitive, or can it be rubbed raw before it starts to feel good.
Work all of it out. I think you will be surprised at how many hidden passages there are inside, how good certain bits will feel, and how stretchy and large the vaginal 'passage' can seem to get. (More on that last a little later down the track.)
Be gentle when you begin, and as always with anything sex-related, pee afterwards. Always drink loads of water, hydration helps get everything flowing 'down there'.
Have fun with it, it's not a chore!

Week 2 - challenge

Thank you for the feedback from the first challenge - I am truly elated to hear that it went so well for those I heard from.

One of the more interesting comments I had from a reader was "[before the Week 1 challenge] I'd never asked my husband what he likes" which gave me the idea for the Week 2 challenge: a good solid exploration of our likes... and dislikes.

Aka Erogenous Zones...

How to find the ones that are already there AND how to turn non-erogenous zones into erogenous ones.

The first part might be fairly straightforward for some - perhaps you already know your zones, or think you do. But it could be that your partner doesn't know them all - or that you don't know all your partners.

So, take it in turns, I suggest this to be a naked exercise, but you could experiment with clothes on and then clothes off if you wish.

One of you lie down, either on your back or front. You'll switch sides half way. Start with giving the person lying down a 'tickle' massage. Soft fingers running along the whole body, front and back, from toes, to inner thighs, behind the knees, the lower pelvis (around the bladder area), the perineum, the breasts, the sides of the breasts, the underarms, your sides, your middle back, the top of your butt (just below and on either side of your tailbone), your neck, forehead, ears.

The body parts I've mentioned here are those where yummy pressure points are located, but of course you can be more thorough.

Where do you like it? Where do you not? Where is it ticklish and you want it to stop? Make a mental note of it.

Next, try a slightly more pressured massage - be specific about what you like - do you love your head rubbed? But does it need to be rubbed in a particular way to feel good? Demonstrate if need be. Where do you like the pressure? Where not?

Okay now forget about hands and try feet - sound crazy? Maybe - but who knows, it could work... foot fetishes are common enough. But 'fetish' aside, just using something that is broader, heavier less dextrous, less commonly used, with less sensitivity than your hands, could create a pleasurable experience. If it's woman on man, try feet around his penis, or man on woman: use your foot to create pressure on the pelvic/bladder area. Start lightly, of course..

Now abandon limbs and try with your tongue! Lick lick lick - where does it feel good to be licked, where does it feel icky? Make a note of it. Go everywhere.. (keep a drink of water handy, tongues could get dry covering all that surface area!)

At this point - feel free to get creative - any type of touching I've missed? Try it out.

After that, and this could be an exercise for a separate night as the erogenous zone discovery could itself lead to some good things...

Think about the places you didn't like being touched / licked or felt ticklish and wanted it to stop.

Those areas, I think, in actual fact, have the potential to be your most erogenous zones if you work on them.

To take a couple of common examples:

1. You feel ticklish when your belly or sides or underarms are softly touched.

Try to breathe, relax and make a mental shift between what you think is happening (i.e. you're being tickled) to what is really happening (you're being touched in an intimate place). Keep concentrating on what it feels like, goosebumps and all.

Keep thinking: "i like what is happening" rather than "i want this to stop"

Focus and feel. It will start to feel really, really good - all the more because your sensations are so heightened because your body is prepared to dislike it.

2. You don't like your ear lobes or ear insides licked.. feels icky?

Again, breathe, relax, make that mental shift from icky to sex. "I like what is happening"

It will feel good, possibly better than the places you naturally like to be touched or licked.

There are a few points to this exercise, firstly - to promote communication and slow process-driven exploration (building on from last week), secondly - to start to understand the power of the mind during sex, starting to challenge all your inherited beliefs and preconceptions about what you do and don't like, and starting to be more open to ideas and possibilities.

The reality is that what you like and what your partner likes won't always be the same thing. Rather than seeing that as a bad thing or an inhibiting thing, or "I'm doing something you like in exchange for you doing something I like". Instead, see it as a fun challenge, something new to explore and come to enjoy together. I'm not saying that you'll end up loving all the same things to the point where you become a well oiled tandem bicycle - no, clearly we are all individuals with our own sensitivities and likes and dislikes, - but if you take this attitude, you will start to enjoy the ride together more!

So: firstly work out what you like, then work out what your partner likes, then play with those things and become open to them yourself. It will be a stimulating and rewarding experience for both of you!

So what is 'the claw' and how will it make me orgasm?

Apart from being the namesake of this blog, 'the claw' is what I refer to as a fail safe guaranteed to make women orgasm technique. It can be used 'DIY' or can be used by a partner on you. The latter is only better because you can experiment with more angles and positions, also you-the-woman can be free to relax and enjoy it, rather than having to work at it.
The claw is so named because it uses a 'claw like' hand shape.. (see pictures). The basics of it are, two middle fingers inserted into the vagina, while the thumb places pressure on the outside of the pelvic bone against the bladder.
What the claw is trying to achieve is the pinnacle of orgasm - the combination of penetrative and external (or clitoral) orgasm happening simultaneously.
First things first - the claw is itself a 'penetrative' sexual manoevre, which means, don't just shove the two fingers in there first off, without getting the vagina prepared for penetration.
So, how do you do that?
Any number of foreplay techniques can work to get the vagina lubed up and wanting more, however if you're going with the claw, I'd suggest, starting with some over the clothes touching, as per my Week 1 challenge, then keep the the two middle fingers pulsing (not prodding or poking inside) but just pulsing in an intermittent rhythm on the outer edge of the labia. Keep the thumb in place on the bladder and apply some mild pressure. Go crazy, experiment, communicate, keep touching externally .. and always pulsing not prodding or rubbing.. until the vagina needs to be penetrated. At that point the two fingers can go in.
Once in, again, allow the fingers to pulse inside intermittently. In the breaks, keep the fingers still and wait for the vaginal muscles to respond. When they do - and they will! - the fingers should try to 'follow' where the muscle response came from and try to touch and pulse that muscle.
That magical place, some call it the g-spot, is actually a muscle wrapped around your bladder. So as a general rule, the two fingers are looking to reach where the bladder is.. i.e. as you go in the vagina, all the way to the 'back' and upwards slanting, towards the belly button. In other words, in the claw hand position, it's as if you're trying to get your middle two fingers to touch your thumb (through the skin and muscle).
N.B. about the g-spot... some women don't get to penetratively orgasm out of subconscious fear, I think, because the precursor to a full blown mofo of an orgasm is the feeling of needing to pee.. and internally you're thinking, aaah! I can't pee, must stop that sensation immediately - and so you don't allow yourself to orgasm. Because the g-spot muscle is wrapped around the bladder, it is quite natural that as it is stimulated, you may get the sensation that you want to pee.. let it go! You won't pee. At the most you will ejaculate - which is awesome and a whole nother story in itself.
Okay, so fingers are pulsing and responding to vaginal muscles. There will come a point where it is time to switch from this to a more push pull in/out action, kind of like what a penis does in sex. Create a consistent rhythm with this action, try to create a kind of suction cup action, so that air is pulled into the vagina as the fingers go in out in out in out...
Also note that while this is happening, your partner may notice that your vagina goes through various stages of lubrication and tightness. Quite natural, as you are stimulated and orgasm (once you get the claw happening beautifully, you will orgasm a few times through the process) there is a point where it becomes impossible to penetrate, often this happens after you've orgasmed and your juices go from thick and creamy to kind of thin and watery, not so juicy.. at this point the onus is on the man to allow you to consciously relax all your muscles (pain comes from tightness, so breathe out, aim to loosen up the muscles) and rest your weight on him and his hand.. the hand and fingers will take the weight (so you are free and relaxed to just let yourself go) and eventually the vagina will let the fingers in comfortably again..
This might make more sense when i tell you that the claw is best administered in standing position.. !
Yes, ideal first off claw position is both of you standing facing together, like in a hug. Your arms around his neck, knees bent slightly, rest your weight on him. He holding onto you and reaching down and underneath with the claw hand position.
This is HARD WORK for whoever is doing the claw.. love and kiss them after they do this for you, if done well, they will well deserve it.
Make sure they use their shoulder in getting that push pull in / out motion, make sure they keep up the steady rhythm.. they really need to push past tiredness and keep going with it... KEEP GOING is the key. The longer they can go, the more you will orgasm, and the deeper your orgasm will grow to.

So.. don't forget..
- pulse don't prod
- keep fingers outside until they are 'drawn' inside
- do this standing up the first time
- consciously keep your muscles relaxed - this is one time to switch off your pelvic floor muscles
- rest your body weight on your partner's body and hand.. this will help you relax, and will allow the air suction thing to start happening in your vagina
- if you feel like peeing, ignore it, go with it.. certainly do not worry about it or stop it!

All vaginas are different - if you feel aroused, but you just don't produce a lot of juice naturally, by all means go for lubricant - it's necessary and great in many cases. Try Durex Play or Skins.
I would only use it as a last case scenario though, only because lube can bypass the need to get either party in a sufficiently aroused state in order to make penetrative sex happen. If you lube something up you can get it in anything, whether you like it or want it to go in or not. But the body and vagina especially needs to be muscularly prepared and aroused and engaged to be penetrated. So only use lube when you really need it and not as a sexual 'short cut'.

Lastly, some alternative claw positions you can try:

- you lying down, knees up, feet flat, v-shape leg spread, man sits by your feet and goes in from there
- you on your knees, him sitting in front of you, arm reaching under
- you on all fours, head down, butt in the air, he comes from behind

Get creative, no hard and fast rules, see what works comfortably for you. That said, it is hard work, and the person doing the claw has to be committed to sore elbows and arms, it is a very selfless gift, and he (or you if you are doing it) has to really want to do it and then keep at it! it's a hard core exercise, with massive rewards of course!