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Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Week 6 - challenge
This week's challenge is brought to you by exhibitionism - which you may have read my earlier post on. As mentioned, while I'm not proposing any random acts of bizarre public nudity, what I am proposing is a night of show and tell with your partner. The opportunity to 'exhibit' your body, to 'perform' and to take pride in the display of your body.
Your performance could be anything you wish, anything that makes you feel awesome. Maybe it's just a slow undressing that you practice in the mirror before hand. My personal favourite at the moment is dance. Having become somewhat of a Zumba addict these last few months, I've been popping and shaking like crazy, and having an amazing time of it. Dance is such a great way to connect yourself to the physical you, to extend your flexibility, strength, and also to discover what parts you can move in isolation to the rest. Great party tricks.
I came home after a class one day and on my way to the shower, excitedly demonstrated a few of my newly learned moves to my man, and let's just say, he was mightily impressed!
It makes sense though, when you think back to the initial 'courting' stages of a relationship, it's all about performance, dancing together or for each other in a club and so on. Those opportunities get rarer over time as you replace the club circuit with the dinner party circuit or have kids or just become a little lazier in the 'performance' part of your relationship.
I recommend this week that you get a little naked groove going for your partner. If you need some tips, jump into a Zumba class for some inspiration, then get home, get your clothes off and demonstrate to your partner. Even if they don't look like the instructor's version of the moves, the act of undressing, of actively performing, of showing your body move in new ways, allowing your partner to look - all these things will definitely create some interest in the bedroom.
Happy exhibiting!
Your performance could be anything you wish, anything that makes you feel awesome. Maybe it's just a slow undressing that you practice in the mirror before hand. My personal favourite at the moment is dance. Having become somewhat of a Zumba addict these last few months, I've been popping and shaking like crazy, and having an amazing time of it. Dance is such a great way to connect yourself to the physical you, to extend your flexibility, strength, and also to discover what parts you can move in isolation to the rest. Great party tricks.
I came home after a class one day and on my way to the shower, excitedly demonstrated a few of my newly learned moves to my man, and let's just say, he was mightily impressed!
It makes sense though, when you think back to the initial 'courting' stages of a relationship, it's all about performance, dancing together or for each other in a club and so on. Those opportunities get rarer over time as you replace the club circuit with the dinner party circuit or have kids or just become a little lazier in the 'performance' part of your relationship.
I recommend this week that you get a little naked groove going for your partner. If you need some tips, jump into a Zumba class for some inspiration, then get home, get your clothes off and demonstrate to your partner. Even if they don't look like the instructor's version of the moves, the act of undressing, of actively performing, of showing your body move in new ways, allowing your partner to look - all these things will definitely create some interest in the bedroom.
Happy exhibiting!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Exhibitionism - just another day in the life of...
I love this term - it always makes me laugh. Part of me thinks it's silly - since much of society is about exhibiting yourself, your talents, your skills, your beauty - and yet this is a word with negative connotations. Conjuring images of strange men on the street showing their bits and heralding the end of the world.
In my day to day life as an artist and performance artist, I rather like playing with the term, referring to myself as an 'exhibitionist' rather than an artist, hoping to subvert its meaning a little, to give the word a more positive connotation related to art and the beauty of the human form. But even for me it's hard to completely get rid of that image of the crazy guy on the street with that word.
A little while back I was contacted by a potential client who wished to commission me for a life drawing. This was a common enough situation in itself, however, it soon became a little more complicated. Firstly, it was a male client, where I am more used to commissions from ladies, and secondly, and perhaps more significantly, he asked whether I would be comfortable drawing him while he masturbated on occasion - stating that the masturbation was only in order to stay erect, as he wished it to be 'truly represented'.
As open minded as I try to be, I confess I was rather taken aback, with 'exhibitionist' 'crazy guy' alarm bells ringing. But after a few moments to digest the request, I thought well maybe it's not such a crazy thing. He is entitled to his requests when commissioning a service, and in a very business-like way, he is being very upfront about his needs. That's not to say that I feel in any way comfortable with agreeing to the request, only, I guess, that I respected his honesty. There are probably many men out there who'd be thinking it (wouldn't mind a little private fluff before being drawn, don't want it looking small!!) but wouldn't be brave enough to ask for it. Or worse, a disrespectful type who would make a move, or just do it without permission, once in the studio.
In this sense it's really much easier being a woman. What you see is what you get. There's nothing last minute we can do to our bodies to improve on their 'womanliness'. No fluffing required. At least this is one insecurity we needn't have!
So in the end, I very politely declined the commission, saying I appreciated the honesty but equally honestly, I am not comfortable with his requirements, but best of luck. There are many erotic artists and performers out there who might be more comfortable with such a request.
But as I wrote my declining email, I thought that maybe what we all need is an honest little tip of the hat to our exhibitionist sides. After all, it is as much the side that says, 'hey this is my nudity, this is my sexuality, it's mine, I'm proud' as it is the crazy guy on the street.
In the comfort of your own relationship, I think it is okay, maybe essential, to feel that bodily exhibitionist pride. To display yourself to your partner and 'perform' for each other. I don't mean that in a circus and trapeze way, it could be just a 'this is me putting on yummy lingerie and letting you look at me' sort of way. And I have more ideas on this theme for this week's challenge. So if you're intrigued, read onwards and upwards.
In my day to day life as an artist and performance artist, I rather like playing with the term, referring to myself as an 'exhibitionist' rather than an artist, hoping to subvert its meaning a little, to give the word a more positive connotation related to art and the beauty of the human form. But even for me it's hard to completely get rid of that image of the crazy guy on the street with that word.
A little while back I was contacted by a potential client who wished to commission me for a life drawing. This was a common enough situation in itself, however, it soon became a little more complicated. Firstly, it was a male client, where I am more used to commissions from ladies, and secondly, and perhaps more significantly, he asked whether I would be comfortable drawing him while he masturbated on occasion - stating that the masturbation was only in order to stay erect, as he wished it to be 'truly represented'.
As open minded as I try to be, I confess I was rather taken aback, with 'exhibitionist' 'crazy guy' alarm bells ringing. But after a few moments to digest the request, I thought well maybe it's not such a crazy thing. He is entitled to his requests when commissioning a service, and in a very business-like way, he is being very upfront about his needs. That's not to say that I feel in any way comfortable with agreeing to the request, only, I guess, that I respected his honesty. There are probably many men out there who'd be thinking it (wouldn't mind a little private fluff before being drawn, don't want it looking small!!) but wouldn't be brave enough to ask for it. Or worse, a disrespectful type who would make a move, or just do it without permission, once in the studio.
In this sense it's really much easier being a woman. What you see is what you get. There's nothing last minute we can do to our bodies to improve on their 'womanliness'. No fluffing required. At least this is one insecurity we needn't have!
So in the end, I very politely declined the commission, saying I appreciated the honesty but equally honestly, I am not comfortable with his requirements, but best of luck. There are many erotic artists and performers out there who might be more comfortable with such a request.
But as I wrote my declining email, I thought that maybe what we all need is an honest little tip of the hat to our exhibitionist sides. After all, it is as much the side that says, 'hey this is my nudity, this is my sexuality, it's mine, I'm proud' as it is the crazy guy on the street.
In the comfort of your own relationship, I think it is okay, maybe essential, to feel that bodily exhibitionist pride. To display yourself to your partner and 'perform' for each other. I don't mean that in a circus and trapeze way, it could be just a 'this is me putting on yummy lingerie and letting you look at me' sort of way. And I have more ideas on this theme for this week's challenge. So if you're intrigued, read onwards and upwards.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Week 5 - challenge
I've written lots about exploration, mainly with hands and fingers thus far, so it's probably about time to start getting tongues involved.
You might already feel like a champion of oral sex, or you might feel like you don't particularly like it. Either way or any where in between, there is no doubting that this is an intensely intimate act that both of you can derive lots of pleasure from.
So, whatever your level - whether you have your technique down pat or you sort of don't mind it or you don't like it - use one night this week to grow your practice / connection / technique with your partner. You might want to do it over two nights, so that each person gets a dedicated night to themselves.
Things to think about:
1. Position: Which position works best for man and woman. Does your man like to be standing up, or sitting, with you kneeling, or him lying down and you sitting over him. Do you like to be on your back legs spread, or do you like the 69, or do you like your partner lying down and you kneeling over his head. Depending on the vagina and penis different positions can be more pleasurable, for a variety of reasons as simple as comfortable access to the clitoris etc.
2. Pressure/Penetration: Oral sex can be a great precursor to penetrative sex because it's exciting and it also lends itself a bit of lube in the form of saliva.
On women: after stimulating the clitoris and the opening, try using your tongues like a penetrative tool, tighten it and penetrate the opening of the vagina.
On men: don't just suck and bob, be creative. Experiment with different types of tongue pressure and licking. Depending on the sensitivity of the penis you could try adding pressure to the tip of the penis with your tongue.
3. Consumption: This sounds like a gross description, but you have to admit there is something very basically sensual about this act. It is like consuming each other with your mouths, which can be an almost animalistic, sexy, wild thing to do. Go with that feeling if it does overcome you. Lick and consume, bury your face if it helps, smell and touch and explore.
On men: try licking and soft biting (depending on sensitivity!!) especially around the join of the foreskin (or the scar where it would have been on circumcised men), forget the gag reflex, relax your throat and try take the penis all the way down till you feel the tip at the back of your throat. (This will feel kind of like hitting your g or a spot in your vagina) Try fast and slow motions. If this is uncomfortable and you can not do this for any reason, no matter, take as much as you can, even if it's just the head, the head of the penis is the most sensitive and lots can be done with just that bit. Use your hand, wrapped around the base of the penis, to help masturbate as you lick or suck.
On women: try licking and soft biting of the labia and clitoris. Try soft, flat licking, hard tongued licking. Try holding back the skin folds to push out the clitoris (if it's proving hard to find as your partner to pull back and hold the skin back for you). As mentioned, try penetrating with your tongue as well, don't just make this a clitoral stimulation - totally explore the area.
I can add more tips and techniques to try upon request, but have a go being experimental yourselves first, I think.
Enjoy!
You might already feel like a champion of oral sex, or you might feel like you don't particularly like it. Either way or any where in between, there is no doubting that this is an intensely intimate act that both of you can derive lots of pleasure from.
So, whatever your level - whether you have your technique down pat or you sort of don't mind it or you don't like it - use one night this week to grow your practice / connection / technique with your partner. You might want to do it over two nights, so that each person gets a dedicated night to themselves.
Things to think about:
1. Position: Which position works best for man and woman. Does your man like to be standing up, or sitting, with you kneeling, or him lying down and you sitting over him. Do you like to be on your back legs spread, or do you like the 69, or do you like your partner lying down and you kneeling over his head. Depending on the vagina and penis different positions can be more pleasurable, for a variety of reasons as simple as comfortable access to the clitoris etc.
2. Pressure/Penetration: Oral sex can be a great precursor to penetrative sex because it's exciting and it also lends itself a bit of lube in the form of saliva.
On women: after stimulating the clitoris and the opening, try using your tongues like a penetrative tool, tighten it and penetrate the opening of the vagina.
On men: don't just suck and bob, be creative. Experiment with different types of tongue pressure and licking. Depending on the sensitivity of the penis you could try adding pressure to the tip of the penis with your tongue.
3. Consumption: This sounds like a gross description, but you have to admit there is something very basically sensual about this act. It is like consuming each other with your mouths, which can be an almost animalistic, sexy, wild thing to do. Go with that feeling if it does overcome you. Lick and consume, bury your face if it helps, smell and touch and explore.
On men: try licking and soft biting (depending on sensitivity!!) especially around the join of the foreskin (or the scar where it would have been on circumcised men), forget the gag reflex, relax your throat and try take the penis all the way down till you feel the tip at the back of your throat. (This will feel kind of like hitting your g or a spot in your vagina) Try fast and slow motions. If this is uncomfortable and you can not do this for any reason, no matter, take as much as you can, even if it's just the head, the head of the penis is the most sensitive and lots can be done with just that bit. Use your hand, wrapped around the base of the penis, to help masturbate as you lick or suck.
On women: try licking and soft biting of the labia and clitoris. Try soft, flat licking, hard tongued licking. Try holding back the skin folds to push out the clitoris (if it's proving hard to find as your partner to pull back and hold the skin back for you). As mentioned, try penetrating with your tongue as well, don't just make this a clitoral stimulation - totally explore the area.
I can add more tips and techniques to try upon request, but have a go being experimental yourselves first, I think.
Enjoy!
Do you remember to... ?
When we think about sex in terms of 'Fabio' or 'satin' or 'sacred' or 'tantric' (if you've read my previous posts you'll recognise these as my favourite sex words to disapprove of) it becomes difficult to acknowledge the, at times, yuckiness of sex. The very fact that I'm referring to it as yuckiness, as opposed to potential (but quite natural) issues demonstrates that at some level even I have trouble reconciling the potential-but-quite-natural-issues that can sometimes arise from a truly ecstatic sexual experience.
There are all the obvious ones around STIs which everyone is very informed of these days. But there are others, not quite so scary, but still ever-present even in monogamous relationships.
For example, urinary tract infections - caused by bacteria getting into your bladder - quite common yuckiness for sexually active women. Thrush - yuck! Another one that's not caused by sex, but doesn't really like it either. Then there's the less scary ones (but still yuck) like a bit labial rawness or stinging or ditto around the back.
I find that if my vagina is 'down' even with a teeny bit of thrush then my whole feminine core centre collapses and the world looks bleak and sex seems deeply uninteresting and certainly not 'sacred' or 'satin' or 'tantric' or forget those silly words - it just ceases to seem beautiful and wondrous and uplifting.
In those times it can be easy to understand the origins of the sex-is-dirty camp: of course it's dirty, it can potentially cause so many of these yucky things.
But of course the truth is there are so many beautiful things in the world that can also potentially cause so many yucky things. That's the reality, the devastating and wonderful reality of life. And I guess what I have come to realise is that sex is not some ideal pure spirit sitting on a satin covered pedestal. It is ecstatic and alive and therefore it is also risky - too much of it, even with the one same loving monogamous partner could leave you with a bit of a sting in the bathroom for a few days! That's just the way it is. No ups without a down now and again. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It just means that you have to do a few things that may sound less than romantic (less than tantric or satin or sacred) but definitely do not take away from the overall romance or beauty of the experience.
So... after sex, do you remember to:
- pee? Peeing after sex will flush out any potential bacteria that might otherwise sneak up to yucky places.
- wipe up? Staying dry downstairs will limit the moisture and keep things hygienic and therefore unpleasant for yucky thrush to grow.
And generally, do you remember to:
- drink loads of water? Hydration is what you need for good sex. Keeps your juices flowing downstairs and up. (Oral sex with a dry tongue = unpleasant.)
- get your pap smears? It's highly unpleasant, even if you close your eyes and imagine it's a hot Spanish guy down there. But even aside from the cervical check up, it's also good peace of mind to have someone who knows their stuff poking around in there every couple of years just to check that everything is as it should be.
I guess the main point I'm trying to make is that sex is a living growing thing and not a religion. Don't revere it and therefore distance yourself from it, or think that everything about it is good or bad or unachievable or impossible. It's all possible. Approach it from a safe place and you will feel its beauty, thrush or no thrush.
There are all the obvious ones around STIs which everyone is very informed of these days. But there are others, not quite so scary, but still ever-present even in monogamous relationships.
For example, urinary tract infections - caused by bacteria getting into your bladder - quite common yuckiness for sexually active women. Thrush - yuck! Another one that's not caused by sex, but doesn't really like it either. Then there's the less scary ones (but still yuck) like a bit labial rawness or stinging or ditto around the back.
I find that if my vagina is 'down' even with a teeny bit of thrush then my whole feminine core centre collapses and the world looks bleak and sex seems deeply uninteresting and certainly not 'sacred' or 'satin' or 'tantric' or forget those silly words - it just ceases to seem beautiful and wondrous and uplifting.
In those times it can be easy to understand the origins of the sex-is-dirty camp: of course it's dirty, it can potentially cause so many of these yucky things.
But of course the truth is there are so many beautiful things in the world that can also potentially cause so many yucky things. That's the reality, the devastating and wonderful reality of life. And I guess what I have come to realise is that sex is not some ideal pure spirit sitting on a satin covered pedestal. It is ecstatic and alive and therefore it is also risky - too much of it, even with the one same loving monogamous partner could leave you with a bit of a sting in the bathroom for a few days! That's just the way it is. No ups without a down now and again. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It just means that you have to do a few things that may sound less than romantic (less than tantric or satin or sacred) but definitely do not take away from the overall romance or beauty of the experience.
So... after sex, do you remember to:
- pee? Peeing after sex will flush out any potential bacteria that might otherwise sneak up to yucky places.
- wipe up? Staying dry downstairs will limit the moisture and keep things hygienic and therefore unpleasant for yucky thrush to grow.
And generally, do you remember to:
- drink loads of water? Hydration is what you need for good sex. Keeps your juices flowing downstairs and up. (Oral sex with a dry tongue = unpleasant.)
- get your pap smears? It's highly unpleasant, even if you close your eyes and imagine it's a hot Spanish guy down there. But even aside from the cervical check up, it's also good peace of mind to have someone who knows their stuff poking around in there every couple of years just to check that everything is as it should be.
I guess the main point I'm trying to make is that sex is a living growing thing and not a religion. Don't revere it and therefore distance yourself from it, or think that everything about it is good or bad or unachievable or impossible. It's all possible. Approach it from a safe place and you will feel its beauty, thrush or no thrush.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Week 4 - challenge
Now that your fingers have been getting a good sort of workout for a few weeks, thought it might be time to give them a new challenge.
Hope your time with the claw is going well, as always, do feel free to ask any questions either anonymously comment or private message me and I am more than happy to clarify.
In an effort to grow your intimacy and connection with your partner, as well as use some of the new finger strength you should have from the claw, I thought this week's challenge could be a massage. Not your usual massage, though.
Apart from perhaps pregnancy when you're encouraged to massage your perineum I'm not sure that massage 'down there' is particularly common practice. A shame for a number of reasons - firstly because of the obvious pleasure you are both missing out on, secondly, because those muscles in your groin and genital area are hugely utilised and deserve a bit a of rub from time to time. It will also mean that the muscles will get supple over time, so when you do fall pregnant you already have a good stretchy foundation.
Of course 'Down There' incorporates your vagina and your butt, I'm going to focus on the vagina here to begin with.
So, some starter tips...
Women lie on your back. Partner: use both hands to stretch the legs open to a V, and start easing the inner thigh muscles, working your way up to the groin muscles. Go outward-in (from knee to groin) in your strokes and adjust your pressure according to the feedback you're getting.
Move to the pelvic bones, each hand on either side of the labia (but not touching the labia, just the space between labia and pelvic bone / thigh), add pressure there, release tension, do all this slowly. Move your hands up and continue to use a Swedish massage type motion to get your hands massaging either side of the clitoris. Then using your fingers try to discover the length of the clitoris beneath the skin - the little pink end bit is just that - the end - imagine it like a miniature penis with the head sticking out and its long bit trailing behind it, beneath the skin. Try not to touch the head, but only the muscles beneath the skin, the 'root' of it. Move your hands back down to either side of the labia, keep your hands in place and use your thumbs to start massaging gently the perineum (or skin/muscle between vagina and anus). Be gentle but start to move towards the lower side of the vaginal opening. Now start to massage the labia - use pressure and technique according to feedback - try slight squeezes, tickles, long pulls/stretches. Take your time, work as a duo (onus is on the woman to be moaning and saying 'yes that feels good', or 'i liked the other thing' better etc). The vagina will most likely be getting appropriately lubricated by now, if not, keep going slowly, keep relaxing the muscles, find the stimulation points. If you need help with lubrication, then feel free to add some bottled stuff at this point - Durex Play is good as it sort of doubles as a massage oil as well. Now start to massage from the inside (that's all sex really is!) with a finger. Maybe your index. Remember - pulse not prod - no in-out-motion-ramming, keep your finger in place, then move it slightly like a worm, or pulse intermittently. What you are massaging is the top (belly side) vaginal wall - this is, as discussed previously) where all the good bits are. Nerves, g-spot, bladder/urethra.. I recently read there is also an a-spot (that's the deep down bit near your urethra). Whatever you call them, it doesn't matter, you'll find them anyhow. Just massage with one or two fingers that top belly-side vaginal wall, working your way deeper in.
Counteract this internal pressure with the other hand pressing on the belly/bladder area. (Women if you feel the urge to pee do not stop it, go with it, it is far more likely a sign that you are about to orgasm and/or ejaculate rather than about to pee.)
Feel free to ad lib at any point, this is just a starting point. See where it takes you. Might just be a massage that ends with a cuddle, might be penetrative sex, that's entirely up to you.
And it obviously works both ways. Women can massage men in a surprisingly similar way. Men are often far less flexible than women, so an inner groin, thigh muscle massage is an equally enjoyable way to begin. You can apply pressure to either side of the pelvic bones, the bladder, the areas around the penis, without actually touching the penis. Their skin/muscle bit between the balls and anus. Men have extra sensitive bits round there, that can be very pleasurable to be pressed... go right up to the almost-entrance of the balls-side of the anus.
Finally, come back up pressing the sides around the testicles to reach the base of the penis, start from the shaft and massage - according to feedback and your prior knowledge of the penis's sensitivity! Some men find it almost unbearable for anything other than light pressure, some enjoy a very hard squeezing - discover for yourself if you didn't know before. Try with light stroking, one palm only, from shaft to tip. (Add lube at this point so as not cause any unncessary chafing) then one hand squeezing gently from shaft to tip, then thumbs pressing points all the way around from bottom to top. Often the bit where circumcised penis' foreskin used to join is a pleasurable spot to touch for a man, and touching the skin join bit it often feels good for uncircumcised also.
Ad lib, be spontaneous, curious, go with the flow. The idea behind this is to discover, relax and stimulate in turns.
Hope your time with the claw is going well, as always, do feel free to ask any questions either anonymously comment or private message me and I am more than happy to clarify.
In an effort to grow your intimacy and connection with your partner, as well as use some of the new finger strength you should have from the claw, I thought this week's challenge could be a massage. Not your usual massage, though.
Apart from perhaps pregnancy when you're encouraged to massage your perineum I'm not sure that massage 'down there' is particularly common practice. A shame for a number of reasons - firstly because of the obvious pleasure you are both missing out on, secondly, because those muscles in your groin and genital area are hugely utilised and deserve a bit a of rub from time to time. It will also mean that the muscles will get supple over time, so when you do fall pregnant you already have a good stretchy foundation.
Of course 'Down There' incorporates your vagina and your butt, I'm going to focus on the vagina here to begin with.
So, some starter tips...
Women lie on your back. Partner: use both hands to stretch the legs open to a V, and start easing the inner thigh muscles, working your way up to the groin muscles. Go outward-in (from knee to groin) in your strokes and adjust your pressure according to the feedback you're getting.
Move to the pelvic bones, each hand on either side of the labia (but not touching the labia, just the space between labia and pelvic bone / thigh), add pressure there, release tension, do all this slowly. Move your hands up and continue to use a Swedish massage type motion to get your hands massaging either side of the clitoris. Then using your fingers try to discover the length of the clitoris beneath the skin - the little pink end bit is just that - the end - imagine it like a miniature penis with the head sticking out and its long bit trailing behind it, beneath the skin. Try not to touch the head, but only the muscles beneath the skin, the 'root' of it. Move your hands back down to either side of the labia, keep your hands in place and use your thumbs to start massaging gently the perineum (or skin/muscle between vagina and anus). Be gentle but start to move towards the lower side of the vaginal opening. Now start to massage the labia - use pressure and technique according to feedback - try slight squeezes, tickles, long pulls/stretches. Take your time, work as a duo (onus is on the woman to be moaning and saying 'yes that feels good', or 'i liked the other thing' better etc). The vagina will most likely be getting appropriately lubricated by now, if not, keep going slowly, keep relaxing the muscles, find the stimulation points. If you need help with lubrication, then feel free to add some bottled stuff at this point - Durex Play is good as it sort of doubles as a massage oil as well. Now start to massage from the inside (that's all sex really is!) with a finger. Maybe your index. Remember - pulse not prod - no in-out-motion-ramming, keep your finger in place, then move it slightly like a worm, or pulse intermittently. What you are massaging is the top (belly side) vaginal wall - this is, as discussed previously) where all the good bits are. Nerves, g-spot, bladder/urethra.. I recently read there is also an a-spot (that's the deep down bit near your urethra). Whatever you call them, it doesn't matter, you'll find them anyhow. Just massage with one or two fingers that top belly-side vaginal wall, working your way deeper in.
Counteract this internal pressure with the other hand pressing on the belly/bladder area. (Women if you feel the urge to pee do not stop it, go with it, it is far more likely a sign that you are about to orgasm and/or ejaculate rather than about to pee.)
Feel free to ad lib at any point, this is just a starting point. See where it takes you. Might just be a massage that ends with a cuddle, might be penetrative sex, that's entirely up to you.
And it obviously works both ways. Women can massage men in a surprisingly similar way. Men are often far less flexible than women, so an inner groin, thigh muscle massage is an equally enjoyable way to begin. You can apply pressure to either side of the pelvic bones, the bladder, the areas around the penis, without actually touching the penis. Their skin/muscle bit between the balls and anus. Men have extra sensitive bits round there, that can be very pleasurable to be pressed... go right up to the almost-entrance of the balls-side of the anus.
Finally, come back up pressing the sides around the testicles to reach the base of the penis, start from the shaft and massage - according to feedback and your prior knowledge of the penis's sensitivity! Some men find it almost unbearable for anything other than light pressure, some enjoy a very hard squeezing - discover for yourself if you didn't know before. Try with light stroking, one palm only, from shaft to tip. (Add lube at this point so as not cause any unncessary chafing) then one hand squeezing gently from shaft to tip, then thumbs pressing points all the way around from bottom to top. Often the bit where circumcised penis' foreskin used to join is a pleasurable spot to touch for a man, and touching the skin join bit it often feels good for uncircumcised also.
Ad lib, be spontaneous, curious, go with the flow. The idea behind this is to discover, relax and stimulate in turns.
The exoticism of sex
I was reminded recently about how strongly I believe that sex is not exotic.
This sounds strange but to me it makes a lot of sense.
When you think about the resources (and there are many) that are available to you to help recharge and refocus your sexual self, improve your sex life with your partner etc there is often an underlying 'exotic' element about the 'teachings'. That to understand sexuality as something intrinsically human, intrinsically beautiful and part of living a 'lived' life means you must look to the East, to a guru or to India for lessons on Tantra, for example.
To me all this stuff is unnecessary 'exoticism' of a very simple and universal experience. The words themselves: 'tantra' or 'Sacred Sex' (capital letters) in their English definitions bear little connection to their original meanings. I've no doubt the terms were the common parlance of the day to describe the simple, universal experience that we could describe with a few simple words.
I'm not saying I disagree with the overall philosophy of tantra et al in fact on one level I see how beneficial it is to have an established, evangelical, opposing ideology to the 'sex is dirty' camp. At the very least to give people who've been brought up in the 'sex is dirty/naughty/bad' camp the opportunity to question their inherited beliefs on that score. However, what I am saying is that just as you don't need to be in a church to know god, you also don't need to know the meaning of tantra (or any other Sanskrit/Italian/exotic language word) to understand your sexual self.
For me, good sex, dare i say 'enlightened' sex requires only curiosity, time, dedication and trust. The trust is not just about trusting your partner, also about trusting yourself, trusting the physical parts of you (all of them) to be good, noble, beautiful, miraculous, functioning. (They all know what to do and will do it if you let them.)
The dedication is about making a commitment to yourself that you will know all the parts that make you and to your partner that you will learn how to connect with them at this basic, instinctual, magical level.
Time is turning off the TV a little earlier or making a date night.. all the stuff that sounded ridiculous and pathetic when you were 19 and couldn't ever imagine a time when sex would not be fascinating. It is also about taking time, being patient, not trying to win awards or get to the end first.
And curiosity, I've mentioned this a few times, this is about learning for learning's sake, for the sake of enlightenment, for reaching a higher plane of consciousness. A 'what happens if I do this?' attitude rather than a 'i must do it this way because this way always works' attitude.
Everything you need for fulfilling, enlightening sexual understanding is in you, you have it all already. You don't even really need to be reading this blog. If you are still reading, though, I'll say that what I aim to do here, is write about sex in as practical, non-exotic, non-idealised way possible. So you can hopefully come to see how accessible it is, how much 'in you' it already is, how you don't need to go to India to learn about it and how much you can discover with curiosity, dedication, time and trust!
This sounds strange but to me it makes a lot of sense.
When you think about the resources (and there are many) that are available to you to help recharge and refocus your sexual self, improve your sex life with your partner etc there is often an underlying 'exotic' element about the 'teachings'. That to understand sexuality as something intrinsically human, intrinsically beautiful and part of living a 'lived' life means you must look to the East, to a guru or to India for lessons on Tantra, for example.
To me all this stuff is unnecessary 'exoticism' of a very simple and universal experience. The words themselves: 'tantra' or 'Sacred Sex' (capital letters) in their English definitions bear little connection to their original meanings. I've no doubt the terms were the common parlance of the day to describe the simple, universal experience that we could describe with a few simple words.
I'm not saying I disagree with the overall philosophy of tantra et al in fact on one level I see how beneficial it is to have an established, evangelical, opposing ideology to the 'sex is dirty' camp. At the very least to give people who've been brought up in the 'sex is dirty/naughty/bad' camp the opportunity to question their inherited beliefs on that score. However, what I am saying is that just as you don't need to be in a church to know god, you also don't need to know the meaning of tantra (or any other Sanskrit/Italian/exotic language word) to understand your sexual self.
For me, good sex, dare i say 'enlightened' sex requires only curiosity, time, dedication and trust. The trust is not just about trusting your partner, also about trusting yourself, trusting the physical parts of you (all of them) to be good, noble, beautiful, miraculous, functioning. (They all know what to do and will do it if you let them.)
The dedication is about making a commitment to yourself that you will know all the parts that make you and to your partner that you will learn how to connect with them at this basic, instinctual, magical level.
Time is turning off the TV a little earlier or making a date night.. all the stuff that sounded ridiculous and pathetic when you were 19 and couldn't ever imagine a time when sex would not be fascinating. It is also about taking time, being patient, not trying to win awards or get to the end first.
And curiosity, I've mentioned this a few times, this is about learning for learning's sake, for the sake of enlightenment, for reaching a higher plane of consciousness. A 'what happens if I do this?' attitude rather than a 'i must do it this way because this way always works' attitude.
Everything you need for fulfilling, enlightening sexual understanding is in you, you have it all already. You don't even really need to be reading this blog. If you are still reading, though, I'll say that what I aim to do here, is write about sex in as practical, non-exotic, non-idealised way possible. So you can hopefully come to see how accessible it is, how much 'in you' it already is, how you don't need to go to India to learn about it and how much you can discover with curiosity, dedication, time and trust!
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